Our Terms

To correctly use this website, impress your friends and stretch your credulity still further, please read these terms and conditions carefully. We may ask questions afterwards.

Definitions

1. For the purposes of this website, a cat is a cat, gold is gold, things always look better after a good night's sleep and tomorrow never comes. These definitions supersede all other definitions previously defined on this website, beer mats or anywhere else.
    
2. Cats4Gold is the trading name of Cats4Gold UK, a division of Cats4Gold Europe, which is itself a subsidiary of GlobalCats4Gold, Cats4Gold4WorldDomination, Cats4GoldTakesOverThe Universe and Gold Traders (UK) Ltd, a leading purchaser of scrap gold in the UK.
   
   3. The registered office for Cats4Gold is located at whichever sofa we're sleeping on at the moment.
   
   4. You/Your/User/Customer means you. Got that?
   
   

Intellectual property

1. By using this website, you agree that all information, text, graphics, samples of fur and interesting smells that deserve a good long sniff, appearing on this website, are the property of Cats4Gold.com and are protected by some law or other. So paws off!
   
   2. Permission is granted to you to inform, share and otherwise disseminate the content of this website for the express purpose of telling your friends and having a giggle.
   
   

Lost property

1. The Lost Property Office used to be located on Platform 9. But we've lost it. Sorry.
   
   

Requirements for use

1. You must be at least 18 years old to conduct a transaction on Cats4Gold. In accordance with age discrimination laws, we allow customers over 100 years old to trade with Cats4Gold, if accompanied by both parents.
   
   
2. You must be the actual, bona fide, no kidding owner of the gold you intend to exchange for cats, and if required you must be able to prove your right of ownership by producing the purchase receipt or shouting loudly "It's mine, I tell you!"
   
   
3. You must act on your own behalf. No getting actors in to act for you.
   
   
4. You must be a resident of the country in which you are residing.
   
   

The gold calculator

1. Cor, that's flash!
   
   

Delivery, return and receipt of your goods

1. Cats4Gold reserves the right, as the mood takes us, to reject delivery of any envelope or package which appears to be damaged, opened, interfered with or displaying frankly dreadful handwriting Timothy, how on earth do you think you'll get on in life with handwriting like that?
   
   
2. Any such envelopes or packages will be returned forthwith, herewith and therewith.
   
   
3. Cats4Gold will have no liability to any customer for any such attempted delivery or the return of the aforesaid, beforesaid, aftersaid and inbetweensaid envelope or package.
   
   
   

Mixed gold and non-gold items

1. Cats4Gold is happy to receive your mixed carat gold. However, please don’t send us mixed carrots – vegetables just don’t agree with us (even when we’re quite conciliatory).
   
   
2. If you send us gold items that are not hallmarked, we shall test their gold content by nibbling them at the edges. If we find they are gold-plated or non-gold, we reserve the right to charge an extortionate amount for testing them. How else could we afford all this cream?
   
   

Terms of exchange

1. Cats4Gold accepts gold sovereigns, Krugerrands, doubloons, pieces of eight, pieces of seven and three-quarters, gold teeth (when removed from their owners), gold leaf, Goldfinger but not goldfish. We also accept gold jewellery and the little pots of gold you find at the end of the rainbow. If you're lucky.
   
   
2. Cats4Gold will only exchange cats for gold. Kangaroos, okapi, ring-tailed lemurs, wide-mouthed frogs, flying fish, earthworms, centipedes, millipedes, symphyla, pauropoda, arthropleuridea or elephants will not be sent in exchange for your gold.
   
   
3. The exchange rate of cats for gold is determined and updated on a daily basis. You can receive details of the current exchange rate by emailing us, singing to us or generally asking us nicely. We will then paws for thought and make something up. Our decision is binding and we will not enter into further correspondence, although we still like to get postcards. Especially from the seaside.
   
   
4. If you choose to refuse our offer, we will stalk about the living room in a huff and hiss a bit, before returning your gold by post. (We tried to use carrier pigeons, but for some reason they wouldn’t come near us). In such circumstances Cats4Gold reserves the right, if we’re sufficiently grumpy or our cream stocks are getting low, to charge you outrageously for postage and packing of the returned item. We might even lob in a charge for pretending to test it, too. See – cats can be just as moody as people; hummphh!
   
   
5. Cats4Gold will not actually send you cats for your gold, so don't send us your gold. If you're desperate to exchange your gold for cats (and who wouldn't be), you'll get an extremely good deal with these scrap gold dealers. You can then use this extremely good cash to buy extremely good cats – as long as you promise to give them a very good home, lots of affection and look after them properly, etc.

• Advice selling cash for gold.
  
  

Terms of endearment

1. "I love you, sweetie pie."
2. "Without you my life is incomplete."
3. "Life isn't long enough for love and art."
4. "Get your coat, you've pulled."