While the world’s biggest economies are being downgraded, market analysts Standard & Paws have just awarded Cats4Gold its coveted AAA rating.
“These guys are clearly expurrts at high furnance,” enthused CEO Hirum Firum of Standard & Paws. “They’re realised stocks have dropped, bonds are bunkum, cash has crashed and gold is considerably less appealing than cats. For their far-sighted furnancial policies, Cats4Gold deserves to get its Triple A. And probably a large bowl of cream.”
Cats4Gold offers dispurrited investors a much better deal than they’ll find anywhere else in the marketplace. Just send in your boring old, practically worthless gold, and you’ll get 100% genuine, fully certifurcated cats in exchange.
“Why play the markets when you can play with a cat?” said spokespurrson Fi Lyon of Cats4Gold. “Cats offer an extremely high interest return; you can watch them eat, groom, lick, sleep and eat all day, and still be interested.”
Already thousands of speculators have switched from gold to cats with Cats4Gold. “I used to be a hedge fund manager,” recalled Percy Privet, “but I put all my assets into a hedge trimmed to look like a duck, and the bottom fell out of it. Now I’m furmly in favour of cats.”
“All my bread was in financial instruments,” said well-known saver and sextaphrenic DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickandTich, “but I realised this dough wasn’t playing my tune, man. Then I had a vision, dude, and it was Cats4Gold. Like, beautiful. So now, I’ve got no gold but I’ve got all these crazy cats. Crazy. Yeah, cats.”
Even market pundit Robert Pusston is advising investors to opt for cats. “You’ll often hear experts recommend a broad purrtfolio,” he droned, “but I’d say whip out your equity and plonk the whole lot in cats. Cats4Gold is right on the money. Actually, it’s on the internet, but you know what I mean. Which is more than I do. Who am I anyway? Waiter, more wine!”
We’ll let the last word go to Donald Trunk, one of the world’s richest elephants and hairpiece owners. “Gudangit, I thought Trunk’s Top Trusts were a rootin’ tootin’ surefire solid gold winner, but that there gold ain’t worth a hill of beans stacked up against them furry critter cats from Cats4Gold. Actually, I’m from Guildford; do you think anyone can tell?”