Global markets surge as bankers rush to swap funds for fur

13 Jul, 2011

Miss T Moneypussy, IMF President

Miss T Moneypussy, IMF President

The world’s volatile financial markets at last seem to be settling down (and possibly preparing for a nice nap), as bankers find a solution to global monetary problems.

“The answer has been staring us in the face, and occasionally twitching its whiskers,” admitted one financier who asked not to be named. “While we’ve been dogged by recession and inflation, we’ve been ignoring the obvious value of that most precious commodity: cats.”

All the major nations have now agreed to set up a new IMF (International Moggy Fund), and convert unpredictable currencies into copper-bottomed (or fluffy-bottomed) cats and kittens.

Gilt-edged, fur-lined

“Cats can go down as well as up,” confirmed new IMF President Miss Moneypussy, “but when they’re down, they are generally lying down and will stay put. That’s what you look for in the financial markets; an investment that’s purrdictable, guaranteed not to fluctuate, shift or give you the run-around. At least until it hears you open a can of tuna.”

The International Moggy Fund has set up a programme to encourage European countries with particularly large deficits to move into the new Purr-o-Zone. The Purr-o-Zone will replace the Euro zone, with its fiddly coins and toy-like banknotes. Instead we”ll see each country will establish a Furren Exchange, trading in Tabbies, Toms and Tortoiseshells. And cats not beginning with T.

“Cats provide predictable liquidity,” explained a US Furrderal Reserve spokesman. “So as long as you have a litter tray handy, you’ll be fully prepared. And that includes surprise deposits. Cats are also immune to sub-prime defaults, foreclosures and collateralised debt obligations. You’re only likely to see a run on the market if the guy with the fish stall turns up.”

Purrference shares

We asked BBC TV banking expert Robert Pusston for his advice. “In times of financial turmoil, you need to put your money somewhere you can trust,” he drawled. “Property and gold are too risky, and though cats may be frisky, if you put your credit cards on the table, a cat will sit on them and prevent you making a withdrawal. That’s clearly better for your bank balance, and you won’t get your fingers burnt (though you may have them scratched). And if you’re still itching to spend money, it’s your own fault; you should have kept on schedule with the flea treatment.”

We let Cats4Gold own Chancellor of the Exchequer, Sir Sockington, have the last word. “Meeewww,” he said, as he rolled over to have his tummy tickled.

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